Im for it.  All you ever see in the mainstream media today are reports showing the negative aspects of childhood obesity, from heart disease to sweating while they hiccup.  Now Im not a scientist though Ive killed dozens, so I wont dispute these statements but I do think its about time that someone comes forward to present an alternative, and correct, view on this topic. 

In case youre wondering why I would choose to talk about such a subject, it hits close to home.  When I was young, I weighted in upwards of 255 pounds.  I made those fat babies you see on Maury look like young Mary Kate Olsens back when she used to do something for R. Kelly.  My doctor blamed the condition on a lack of exercise and love of cheese, and told me it was important to lose all the weight.  I killed him that night with a brick of cheese. Needless to say the police never found the murder weapon.  I ended up losing the weight eventually by playing some marbles after school and getting the flu for two and a half months.

I tried everything to get the weight back.  Well, mainly just eating but, like aid from the U.S., it disappeared and never came back.  Was I wrong to like my obesity?  Fuck no.  I may have been pudgy, but I was cute as hell.  Thats what people seem to forget, overweight babies/children are really cute, like little Michelin men.  Its not hard to raise a larger baby, just give them a lot of fast food and not much crawl space.  You know where you wont find much crawl space?  Spider holes  Sorry, still a little bitter.  But yeah, small spaces and happy meals. 

Need more reasons to end this needless assault on obesity which from hear on out I will now refer to as moreofyouness?  Well, lets see.  First, they make the skinny kids feel better about themselves which might decrease the incidents of teen suicide a good thing except when it comes to Clay Aiken fans and Kurds.  Also, the chubbier kids dont usually get as much action, sexually, so that decreases their chances of becoming teenage parents.  Although I suppose the bigger kids could just hook up with each other.  Ive never been a part of fat sex, but I imagine the visual isnt entirely different from that of a lava lamp.

What else?  Sense of humor.  Thats right, fat kids are usually hysterical.  Whether theyre dancing, running, farting, laughing, shouting, armpit farting, falling down, getting drunk fun drunk, not letsgetamidgetandcutit drunk, or swimming theyre usually the funniest kids in the room.  And they can also do pretty good impression of famous fat people too.  The next time you dont think theres anything enjoyable about having a tubby kid, get him to do Farleys motivation speaker or Belushis samurai.  Youll think twice about putting that kid on Atkins, and you should. 

I will say that guys seems to have a better go of it when it comes to having moreofyouness then girls do, but I also know that some dudes prefer larger ladies.  Theyre afraid theyll snap the smaller girls.  Fetishes arent all unhealthy, unless they involve cutting, choking, punching, or doing any of those to an unsuspecting Russell Crowe.  And chubby girls usually have the best personality, developed over years through an intense need to be accepted.  See, beautiful women are nice to look at but theyre rarely much to talk to and rarely funny.  Once her body goes, she has nothing left to offer unless she can make sandwiches. 

Theres also the argument that having too much moreofyouness can decrease ones life expectancy.  You want to know something?  Life is overrated.  It goes too fast, ends too soon, and doesnt give any answers.  You may as well enjoy it while you have it, and if that involves inhaling whoppers, monster thick burgers, big macs, and nacho supremes like a diver coming up for air, so be it.  Just make sure to balance it out with a Diet Coke.  You dont want to over do it.

Continue looking at more pics of fat kids:
Fat Arab Kid, Fat Chinese kid, Fat kid flexing, Fat kid eating McDonalds, Fat kid making face.

Lets get one thing straight, America.  Robert Mugabe is a terrific leader.  He has to be.  He won his reelection campaign with over 80 percent of the vote.  This is truly amazing considering he actually lost the presidential election held earlier, but not by enough to stop a runoff vote.  Wheres the man that beat him, you ask?  He left Zimbabwe.  Does that sound like a guy you can trust?

And whats more, Robert has now said he is open to talk with the very same opposition he has brutally repressed for weeks, showing remarkable kindness.  I know some look at his crackdown and violent killing of his opponents supporters as antidemocratic, savage, and just plain rude; but thats not taking all things into consideration.  Mugabe is 84 years old, and old people get cranky.  You ever see them get the wrong meal at a restaurant?  If you havent, trust me: There Will Be Blood. 

Another complaint over the election was that citizens were forced to participate in the election with threats of violence and intimidation.  This can easily be explained by Mugabe wanting to appear as still being "hip" and "with it".  So, in that vein he decided to coopt P. Diddys Vote or Die strategy.  Except in this case, Mugabe was gracious enough to rid the voters with the burden of choice.  Although I understand they also had the option of writing in Mugabes name instead of checking it.  Also, for the sake of this election, Mugabe was also listed under "other".

The United States, the European Union, and pretty much everyone except Mugabe sees this election as a sham, which is a sad state of affairs for the world.  He clearly cares an awful lot for his country if hes willing to kill his own citizens to remind them of that very fact.  Not many leaders are willing to go that far Me, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Hitler; Ive heard rumors about Nelson Mandella, from Stalin.

One could also look at his track record of taking a once promising country and turning it into a failed state the Corey Haim of Africa. The Congo is Gary Busey. as reason enough to think he wont be a good leader anymore, but that just means he has more work to do.  And as a source for much of his countrys problems, he would know better than anybody how to fix them.  After all, he has ruled Zimbabwe since their independence from Britain in 1980.  He was actually given a knighthood from the Queen of England, before she took it away from him a few days ago.  Bitch.  What does she know about leadership?  How many of her own subjects did she have to kill to stay in power?  15? 16?
I dont even think shes completely with it anymore, is she?  What is she, like 200 years old?  She could have babysat John McCain.

Fortunately the UN was kind enough to not do anything substantial about this election, recognizing the immense popularity Mugabe has with people held at gunpoint.  Maybe theyre thinking they can ride it out until he dies of old age, or wait for him to leave the country to his brother Raoul Mugabe.  Either way, the people of Zimbabwe have gotten their forced wish of another term under Robert.  As a fellow winner of near unanimous elections in my home country, I wish him the best of luck in the years to come.  One piece of advice, though, Bobby.  Stay the fuck out of Kuwait.  Peace.

Yesterday, my favorite comedian George Carlin passed away.  For those of you young kids out there, George Carlin was like Dane Cook, except talented and funny.  He hasnt shown up down here yet, but that doesnt mean hes in heaven either.  It took me a couple of days to get here.  Thats one of the shitty things about hell, they fly you coach and take their time with it.  And the inflight movie is always Maid In Manhattan, as if where were headed isnt bad enough.

George is probably best known for his seven words you cant say on TV: shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.  Talk about poetry.  Incidentally, in the early 80s I came up with my own list of seven dirty words you cant say in Iraq: equality, democracy, freedom, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, and tits.  I prefer the term chesticles.  Though I didnt agree with everything Carlin said, I thought his opinion on women was dead on " I dont trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesnt die."  Right on the money, George. Neither do I. 

One would be rather hardpressed to not see Georges influence in the world of comedy now days from the observational humor of Jerry Seinfeld Jew to the take no prisoners rants of Dennis Miller Gentile, which is also proof of the broad appeal of his humor.  It is especially painful to lose George now as there are so few really good stand up comedians left.  Aside from the previous two, theres Cosby, Chris Rock, Bill Maher, and who?  If you say Carlos Mencia, I will track you down and haunt you.  I dont think he sucks because people think hes Mexican hes not. His first name is Ned. He just sucks.  The fact that people think hes also Mexican is just a bonus.  Hes like Larry the Cable Guy with a tan. 

I am also disappointed by the lack of media coverage of this.  Tim Russert passes away and thats all you hear for three days on every news channel.  His death was like the Elian Gonzales of two weeks ago.  Meanwhile the most influential comedian in the world passes away and hes lucky to get a three minute spot in between reporters canoing through downtown Iowa and talking heads bobbling over  teen pregnancy in Massachusetts.  Those Celtics really know how to celebrate, dont they?

Not only was George a great comedian, but he also did a bit of acting too.  He was no Luke Wilson, but he did a pretty decent job in Outrageous Fortune easily outacting Bette Middler.  Though I would consider that a feat nearly as challenging as finding hair on a cat, but still....  I hope he makes it down here for eternity.  There arent too many funny people down here right now.  Ted Bundy does a decent Nicholson impression, but it gets old.  And he always puts Jack in the grocery store.  Why?  Youre making it all up, why not put him in rehab, or a whore house?  I dont think that would be stretching our imagination too much.  Nope.  Always the grocery store.  I guess Ted Bundy finds produce really funny.  Who knew?  Anyway, hope to see you soon George.  If not, theres always Andrew Dice Clay.

In 1998, the people of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura, former wrestler, to be the states top executive.  They put a wrestler in charge of their state.  And not even a good wrestler, like Sting.  And not only did Jesse win, he won as an independent.  Although upon some reflection, it seems obvious why he isnt suited for either major party.  First off, he has balls, so Democrats are out.  Secondly, he doesnt seem to have morals to press on people unless you count ending your pin after the count of three as a moral.  Bye Republicans. 

Ventura managed to beat the odds, and left with Minnesota still maintaining its statehood.  But that doesnt change the fact that a majority of people voted for him, and not just because Norm Colemans a douche.  And kind of looks like the wicked stepmom from Cinderella.  Go ahead, google their images, Ill wait..........................................See, told you.  Im not a fan of Norm Coleman, but at least hes a professional politician.  A guy that takes the job he does so poorly, very seriously.  I respect that.

Norm Coleman lost the race for governor to Jesse Ventura.  Just think, if he had won, Jesse Ventura might be the U.S. senator from Minnesota and Norm would be on Larry King Live with a beard last made fashionable by the owners of Chinese opium dens circa 1600.  Now one would hope that the people of Minnesota have learned from their mistakes and set their sights on professional politicians.  The kind that send dirty text messages to male pages, have affairs with prostitutes, go shopping for gay sex in airports, and lie to sell a war.  You think wrestlers could do that?  Ok, maybe the gay sex in airports.  They dont call it a piledriver for nothing.

But it doesnt end there.  Now, Norm Coleman is being challenged for his seat in the U.S. Senate by comedian Al Franken.  A comedian.  And not even a good one, like Carlos Mencia.  Thats totally a joke.  Mencia is absolutely horrible.  Aside from evolutionary evidence, hes the next best proof God doesnt exist.  And what qualifies Franken to be a senator?  Well, he wrote a few books, hosted a radio show, and was a cast member on SNL which now is about as funny as drinking too much, getting behind the wheel of your car, taking a turn going way past the speed limit, hitting something, pulling over, getting out of the car, and finding that what you hit was your little nephew who recently recovered from cancer, and now hes dead.  Thats how funny SNL is.

And Franken appears to be doing well, too.  Theres a good chance that Norm Coleman will have lost to both a wrestler and a comedian in his political career.  At this rate, hes going to end up being the runnerup to a stripper for PTA president.  A comedian for senator?  We all saw how shitty Man of The Year was, do you really want to go through that?  Robin Williams is a good actor and he couldnt make it watchable.  The best movie all Franken has done was Stuart Saves His Family, a destructive bomb so potent Iran has scientists secretly working to develop something similar.

Its time for the people of Minnesota to wake up and smell the hot dish, or whatever the fuck they eat over there snow?.  You have got to stop electing celebrities to government.  A comedian senator?  That sounds like something Fox would come up with for filler after the cancellation of one of their brilliant reality shows like, Im Having a Wolf Baby.  Fox sucks.  Then again, I can see why Minnesotans wouldnt want to vote for Norm Coleman, he was the guy that lost to Jesse Ventura, who was the guy that made his living wearing leather underwear and feather boas as he put other mens heads in his crotch in attempt to get them to submit.  Then he became a governor.

Oh, I also forgot to mention that Minnesota also has a former football player on their state supreme court, Allan Page.  For those keeping score, thats a football player on the supreme court, a wrestler as governor, and a comedian running for senator.  And you wonder why Michigan is more popular.  Hey, you know who would make a good representative for the U.S. House?  Ned Beatty.  He lives in Minnesota, right?  For those of you that dont know Ned Beatty, he was the guy that took it from behind in Deliverance.  I cant imagine the U.S House would be much different.

Ok, ok, I know this movie came out a while ago, but remember, the only way I can see movies down here is to illegally download them.  The only movie we actually have a copy of in hell is My Girl 2.  Due to all the special effects and computer graphics, it took me a while to get this one entirely.  Im expecting to finish Speed Racer some time in 2015.

Back to Iron Man.  By far, the best superhero movie of the summer, and the last few years.  It has a compelling story, good humor, and probably the only movie this year to be named after a Sabbath tune, though I heard Paris Hilton is in talks for the movie "Into the Void".  Shell play the void.

Iron Man/Tony Stark is played by the wonderful Robert Downey Jr.  If I didnt already have mancrushes on Johnny Depp, Russell Crowe, and Neil Patrick Harris turns out I had a better shot then I thought, he would definitely be on my list.  Downey Jr.s Stark is a selfcentered, smarmy, weapons manufacturer, with a sarcastic sense of humor.  This is a welcome refreshment from the everbrooding Christian Bales Batman I want to hug him and tell him itll be ok, hes Batman  and the immaturity and awkwardness of Toby McGuires Spiderman.

Another in a long list of Starks character flaws is his rampant womanizing, which I had an easy time relating to.  Being a very attractive, wealthy weapons manufacturer and a very attractive, wealthy, president of Iraq are both going to get you a lot of tail.  You might think that because of my prejudices that I only made it with Sunni women.  Wrong.  I also spread my love to Shiite women, Kurdish women, and a goat named Yousef.  Not after Ramzi Yousef, but Yousef Islam aka Cat Stevens. 

All heroes have a love interest, and in this one shes played by Gwyneth Paltrow.  She brings a sweetness and warmth to her role that reminds me a lot of Yousef.  The connection between Paltrow and Downey Jr. feels real, and youre on pins and needles every time they lean in for a potential kiss.  If you get frustrated like me by all the teasing, you can check out Shakespeare in Love to see Paltrow completely naked.  Or Monsters Ball.  Thats actually Halle Berry, but as a guy thats been sticking it to minorities his whole life, I really appreciate that love seen with BillyBob.

The villain is played by a bearded Jeff Bridges. Bridges does a great job of provoking fear without having to raise his voice, or shooting a rifle from a balcony.  He plays a guy that works with Stark, but turns on him after Stark sees the light and tries to right his wrongs.  Maybe he based the character on Cheney.  At one point, he does try to shoot Stark in the face.

This is a rare action movie that lives up to all the hype.  All the supporting performances are great including Terrance "Its hard out here for a pimp Howard.  The soundtrack is good, the graphics were worth the wait in downloading, and has a terrific ending.  Plus, unlike the other movie heroes, this one could come true.  If you get bit by a radioactive spider, youre probably going to get radiation poisoning or cancer, not spider powers.  We lost the closest thing to Superman when Reagan died.  But Iron Man doesnt have any powers, just technology, and whos to say a kidnapped weapons designer might not come up with something.  So in addition to the entertainment value, this movie also makes you think.  Think how grateful you should be that youre not watching My Girl 2 with Pol Pot.

Pol Pot: Wheres Macaulay Culkin ?
Me: He was in the first one.
Pol Pot: Why isnt he in this one?
Me: He died at the end.
Pol Pot: slowly lowers and shakes head.

Both presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama have had recent trouble with pastors that have endorsed them during their campaign.  The problem is that they have made offensive, distasteful, hatefilled, and in my opinion rightonthemoney comments about America, Jew, etc.  One of McCains pastors talked about the wickedness of Islam and how it has to be destroyed.  Must be that turntheothercheek stuff.

Though it wasnt as highly publicized, I myself had troubles with religious fanatics during my rein as the head of Iraq.  It was only through luck, repression, and murder that I was able to win over 90 percent of the vote every election.  Mainly luck.  In order to appeal to as many people I didnt plan on killing as possible, I kept a number of religious advisers by my side.  The benefits to this were twofold.  First, I could consult them whenever I felt the need, and second, they were in the way for any sniper assassination.

Despite the fact that they were very loyal, they were also a little crazy.  Often times, as could be expected, they would get into fights with one another.  Fortunately, none of them were in any kind of shape.  After rolling around on the ground for a while, they would usually tire out.  Or Id have them shot. 

Heres a list of some of these religious advisers:

Hassam El Jezzu Neel
Religion: Islam
Height: 610"
Nickname: Shaquille ONeel
Wacky Beliefs: Rain was Allah crying, the reason grass is green is because its envious of hay, and the safest sex involves holes in two sheets.

Donnie Tash
Religion: Christian
Baptisms: 32
Nickname: Donnie Gash
Wacky Beliefs: Jesus was white, the reason Canadians are so happy is because theyre planning something, 9/11 is Gods way of punishing U.S.s love of gays sodomy is the devils energy drink, and Bob Newhart is the antiChrist.

Jeremiah Boshterwitz
Religion: Take a guess
Nose Length: three inches
Nickname: Jew York
Wacky Beliefs: you know what boys dont need?  the tip of their penis, there is no such thing as windjust Chuck Norris breathing, and Adrian Brody is the best actor ever.
OK Belief: Mel Gibsons kind of a douche

Michael Stout
Religion: Catholic
Guilt Level: Red Alert
Nickname: Leave that kid alone
Wacky Beliefs: birth controls for demons, you have to name any banana before you eat it, theres no such thing as color, whenever you touch yourself an angel develops a tumor.

Gore Goreman
Religion: Mormon
Wives: 13
Nickname: Stormin Mormon
Wacky Beliefs: all sheep are voiced by Luke Wilson, glue is a Catholic conspiracy to do away with individualism, Ninja Turtles could really happen and be used to fight the Kurds.

Jafaar Aladdin
Religion: Hindu
Kama Sutra Positions accomplished: All of them
Nickname: The Rock
Wacky Beliefs: carpets can fly, if you live a bad life you come back as Andy Dick, cow piss better than Gatorade is it in you? if not, find a cow

Tommy Lee Lee
Religion: Buddhism
Highest Bowling Score: 118
Nickname: The Asian Sensation
Wacky Beliefs: just eat it, Nirvanamore than just a band, no such thing as saints but John Goodman is close.

Edgar Tomason
Religion: Scientology
Critical Thinking Skills: Limited
Nickname: E.T.
Wacky Beliefs: See: Religion, also Ghostbusters was based on a true story.

Elvira Nightingale
Religion: Wiccan
Penis or Vagina: Vagina
Nickname: Cher
Wacky Beliefs: pine cones cure tumors argued with Stout over whether or not it works for angels after you touch yourself, earth has a period tornado season and not only is Satan real but he also won a Grammy in 1965.

Victor Campy
Religion: Mythology
Weight: 378lbs
Nickname: Apollo
Wacky Beliefs: god of cool: George Clooney, the sun owes the moon alimony, Styxmore than just a band also a river, batteries are made from Zeus sweat, the Knicks rule.

Yomas Darwin
Religion: Atheist
Favorite Color: Something condescending
Nickname: Doubting Yomas
Wacky Beliefs: science.

How you doing girl?  Its me, Husseiny baby.  Listen I dont know if you still think you have a chance at this thing, but it pains me to say that Lions have a better shot at the Superbowl.  Dont get me wrong, I was in your corner at the beginning.  Your husband was one of the most kind and passionate threeway partners I have ever had.  Did I forget to mention we used to doubleteam lady ambassadors?  Well, they started out as ladies....

In all likelihood, the winner for your Democratic Party is going to be  Barack Me Obama, another fine candidate.  Perhaps if your middle name had been Saddam, you might still have a shot.  This might be a harsh reality for you to face, but sometimes lifes not fair.  Like getting stuck in a fucking spider hole.  All of a sudden losing an election doesnt seem so bad, does it?   You can still use a toilet and download pornography or your husband can download pornography.  You can get fresh air, and shower, and not have nightmares about the possibility of the monsters from Tremors really existing and eating you.

A lot of talk now is centering on what your next move should be.  I have a number of different suggestions.  First off, you could have Obama killed.  When I was in danger of losing an election dating back to grade school I made it a habit of having my opponents killed Im sorry Little Jabib, but when I run for hall monitor, Im in it to win it.  Plus everyone knew your parents liked your brother, Big Jabib, a lot more anyway.  This might be a little tougher to get away with in the United States, however, so Im not sure this approach is best.  Maybe if you could convince Mr. Obama to take a trip to Dallas... Then again, killing a Hussein hasnt done much to endear President Bush to the American people, so I wouldnt bank on it.

Should you choose to let him live panzee there are still some more decent options left on the table.  You could be his VP, then book a trip to Dallas and a ride through the Dealey Plaza in a topless convertible.  Still no good?  How about you pay the Obama girl a ton of money to bang Barack, secretly tape the love fest, then threaten to expose it if he doesnt drop out.  This is a winwin.  You would get the nomination and Barack would get to bang the Obama girl.  I like it.  Hes a Democrat, so if hes going outside the marriage for sex, itll have to be a woman, and shes pretty fucking hot.  This ones worth a close look at.

If none of these appeal to you so far like exercise or Lean Cuisine then how about you try to build a time machine, go back in time, and run for the Republican nomination.  You already have the endorsements of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter.  Bills economic policies were pretty freemarket.  By running as a Republican, your only black opponent would have been Alan Keys, a threat nearly as dangerous as oatmeal with some selfrighteous brown sugar.  I also would have loved to seen your husband mingle with all of the hot wives of the Republican candidates Mrs. Romney, Mrs. McCain, Mrs. Thompson  Knowing Bill, if he didnt pull off the hat trick, hed have nailed at least two.  Then again, Mrs. Huckabees a bigger girl.  Hed probably start there.  Youd probably have to rework some of your attack ads though.  Like the one about who the people should trust to answer the White House phone at 3 am.  Sorry, but Im going with McCain.  Hes already had 7 hours of sleep.

You could also drop out of the race.  This would mean you lose, but you can always run again.  You could become the Senate Majority Leader, do some good things there, and make another go of it in 2016, assuming McCain blows it in the fall.  I dont know how old youll be by then, but McCains like 119 now and still has the energy to pull it off.  It would be interesting to see how an old lady runs a country.  The concerns about how she would act once a month wouldnt be a concern because her menstruation days would be long over.  For foreign aid, she would send countries checks for 25 dollars for their birthday. 10 checks a year due to memory loss.

In conclusion, its not like you dont have options, Hill.  When Bill ran for president, his campaign song was Dont stop thinking about tomorrow by Fleetwood Mac.  As of right now, you should change your slogan to Aerosmiths Dream On, then in 2016, you come out with Cat Scratch Fever.  Ill admit it doesnt really have a political message in fact, Im pretty sure its about making girls scratch you when you fuck them but its pretty catchy and resonates with a lot of bluecollar guys and lesbians.  Good luck.

Ok, first off, you dickheads werent supposed to see those.  They were my private diaries, to be read only by myself, my family, and the janitor, Andy.  If you read page 42, you see why I cared about him.  So what, so I wrote some diaries, big deal.  Its just another of the many ways Im like Anne Frank. 

I understand some of my subjects came as a surprise to some people, and I will address them now.  First off, the claim that I was scared to get AIDS.  Yeah, thats true.  Youre not?  Did any of you see Philadelphia?  That shits not cool.  I know most of you have probably only seen Rent and think AIDS makes you a better singer and you get to date Rosario Dawson which may also be true but its also really bad for you. 

There are also a number of STDS that American soldiers probably have because of the amount of pussy they get.  I would also think that there would be a fair amount of pregnancies as well, as I understand theyre prevented from pulling out.  So what if I thought having my clothes dry on the same line as them meant I could catch their STDS?  That seems reasonable.  A gentle breeze could blow all the crabs from the boxers of Captain Fucks Em All right onto my Scooby Doo tightywhities. 

There are also claims that I wrote that Iran is a bigger threat to the Middle East then Israel.  This is also true.  Dont get me wrong, I dislike Jews just as much as the next Gibson, but Iran is actively pursuing nuclear weapons, sponsors some of the worst terrorists in the world Hezbullah, Mahdi Army, the teamsters  and are led by a crazy little bastard with a Napoleon complex and the short beard of a guy on a three week heroin bender.  Keep an eye on that dude.

I was surprised that some things didnt make the news.  Like the day I wrote about how my captives and I played RISK throughout the night and drank Keystone Light until one of the guys passed out.  At that point, they were all drunk enough to let me draw a big, veiny cock on the guys face.  I almost won the game, but they stopped me at Kuwait.  Deja vu.

Im sure a lot of you probably think I also recorded some of my more famous sexual conquests over the years.  I did not, but just in case youre curious here you go: Barbara Walters she did everyone in the 70s, Jane Fonda, the Snapple Lady, Sally Jesse Raphael, Mia Farrow, that chick from Blondie, Billie Jean King, and Princess Di.  Yep, we did it.  Accept it, world.  Accept it.  And you want the truth?  She wasnt even that good.  Billie Jean King was better, and that was like banging Elton John.  

Most people are aware about my passion for cigars, but I have also been known to puff on cigarettes, joints, crack pipes, and, in college, the occassional pole.  I was well aware of the health effects of such behavior, but it turns out getting invaded is much more hazardous.  Those bastards wouldnt even let me go out with a cigar in my mouth.  Allah forbid I get cancer before they hang me.
 
I saw recently that American movie companies are being pressured to eliminate smoking from movies, or if they are included that could change the rating.  Really, America?  No smoking in movies?  I just hope they dont go back and alter the classics.  Its gonna suck to see Humphrey Bogart munch on a cherry popsicle in Casablanca.  Though it might not be all bad.  I would love to see Ann Bancroft deep throat a hot dog in The Graduate. 
 
Everyone knows smoking is bad for you.  If you dont, youre stupid and the world is better off without you.  If its so bad, why do people still smoke?  Because its easy, fun, and probably the coolest thing you can do aside from a Dixie Chick 4Way.  Came close in 2002.  Your president Bill Clinton has also shown there are multiple uses to cigars.  Before reading about that, I hadnt realized you can also use them to poke fat chicks. 
 
Plus, there are just some times when you need to smoke.  When a loved one dies, or youve just had mind blowing sex, or when a loved one dies during mind blowing sex.  Im sorry, but a blowpop just isnt going to cut it.  And isnt it fun watching the smoke swirl around in the air.  Its so seductive, isnt it?  Thats the kind of seduction you cant quite achieve with a twizzler.  Smoking is seen as something rebellious and for adults, like sex.  But also like sex, it has been marketed to teens and theyve started doing it at younger and younger ages.  This is wonderful.  Theres few things funnier than seeing a ten year old smoke.  Like a nine year old smoke.  Or a cat.  That how you know youre in a rough neighborhood, when you see the cats smoking.
 
I havent even talked about pot yet.  Im not as big of a fan because unlike the legal drugs, it doesnt kill people.  Still, Ive had some pretty decent highs in my day.  Plus, if you plan on watching MTV or anything with Dax Sheppard, you should be high as balls so you dont try jumping off the nearest bridge.  Then again, if you do either, maybe you should.  Pot grows naturally, though if you find yourself in a city you can probably just go to the nearest liberal arts college.  They usually have pretty good shit.  Even if they dont, you can get by on sluts and beer: the Charlie Sheen diet.
 
And Im sick of how smokers are treated as second class citizens.  If theres anything I cant stand, its discrimination unless your Jewish, Shiite, Kurdish, female, midget, blonde, bald, old, gay, fat, really really tall, blind, deaf, retarded, crippled, Asian, babies, douche bags that cite Family Guy jokes to represent a sense of humor, and eskimos.  Everyone that I like is created equal, and that includes smokers and Hugh Laurie. House rules  So if you want to be cool, and a rebel, and give a rats ass what I think of you: light up and Ill see you soon.

A while ago I wrote about how much I loved your WalMart in case you missed it, scroll down.  While that is true, I felt the need to write about another rare thing I like about America, and that is the television show Americas Funniest Home Videos.  Or as we call it in Iraq, Great Satan: Sore Balls.

The reason I love the shit out of this show should be pretty obvious.  It consists of Americans hurting themselves, from falling off of roofs to falling off of roofs and landing on lawnmowers.  Lawnmower is also what I call my tongue during intercourse.  If you steal that joke, I will haunt you.  No lie.  Ive always been a big fan of other people getting hurt, but on most  TV shows the suffering is fake.  Those people on The Sopranos didnt really die.  Except Drea de Matteo. I think she killed herself after "Joey".  Good call.

No, the pain felt on AFV, and my bonerinducing joy from watching itare very real and powerful.  I dont think Ive ever laughed at anything as hard as that show, other than the time I saw Dennis Miller live in Vegas, but I was pretty shitfaced at the time and thought he was Kenny Rogers. Youd have thought Id have caught on due to his lack of singing and references  to Henry Ford in a rimjob joke, but then youd be underestimating the effects of nine boilermakers and shot of some red stuff.

I dont just watch AFV for the nutshots either, though thats like the shows "Kramer".  I also enjoy the guys wipe out while water skiing, the women that get their hair caught in the dishwasher that wouldnt happen in a burkah and the chick whose water broke during her wedding.  Thats a tough one to cover up.  Especially if its not the husbands:

Reverend: Does anyone have any reason why these two should not be wed?
Small hand sticks out from bottom of wedding dress

Then of course, there are the sportsrelated injuries: foul balls hitting moving cars, band members getting tacked on the football field, and who can forget the time that cheerleader landed on the trombone and virtually eliminated the chance of any nonhorse from satisfying her sexually for the rest of her life.  Good laugh on that one. 

What I like most about the show is that is demonstrates that these kind of humorous mishaps that usually lead to broken bones, sprains, or marriages can happen to anybody, not just hillbillies that think keys belong in light sockets.  Although if youre out there, hillbillies, and someone was able to work your letter button thing and clicky circle well enough to get you to my intranet picture and read to you this particular word group, yes, keys do go into light sockets.  Tape yourself doing this and send it to Saddam Hussein, 666 Mark of the Beast Avenue, Hell City, Hell 666666.  You can also tape yourself playing games like dodgehammers, stepontheold lady, and Parachutes are for Pussies from  the nearest water tower.  These would be greatly appreciated and the  winner will win a free trip to hell.  Producers note: Players of Parachutes are for Pussies will automatically win