I'm for it.  All you ever see in the mainstream media today are reports showing the negative aspects of childhood obesity, from heart disease to sweating while they hiccup.  Now I'm not a scientist (though I've killed dozens), so I won't dispute these statements but I do think it's about time that someone comes forward to present an alternative, and correct, view on this topic. 

In case you're wondering why I would choose to talk about such a subject, it hits close to home.  When I was young, I weighted in upwards of 255 pounds.  I made those fat babies you see on Maury look like young Mary Kate Olsens (back when she used to do something for R. Kelly).  My doctor blamed the condition on a lack of exercise and love of cheese, and told me it was important to lose all the weight.  I killed him that night with a brick of cheese. Needless to say the police never found the murder weapon.  I ended up losing the weight eventually by playing some marbles after school and getting the flu for two and a half months.

I tried everything to get the weight back.  Well, mainly just eating but, like aid from the U.S., it disappeared and never came back.  Was I wrong to like my obesity?  Fuck no.  I may have been pudgy, but I was cute as hell.  That's what people seem to forget, overweight babies/children are really cute, like little Michelin men.  It's not hard to raise a larger baby, just give them a lot of fast food and not much crawl space.  You know where you won't find much crawl space?  Spider holes!  Sorry, still a little bitter.  But yeah, small spaces and happy meals. 

Need more reasons to end this needless assault on obesity (which from hear on out I will now refer to as more-of-you-ness)?  Well, let's see.  First, they make the skinny kids feel better about themselves which might decrease the incidents of teen suicide ( a good thing except when it comes to Clay Aiken fans and Kurds).  Also, the chubbier kids don't usually get as much action, sexually, so that decreases their chances of becoming teenage parents.  Although I suppose the bigger kids could just hook up with each other.  I've never been a part of fat sex, but I imagine the visual isn't entirely different from that of a lava lamp.

What else?  Sense of humor.  That's right, fat kids are usually hysterical.  Whether they're dancing, running, farting, laughing, shouting, arm-pit farting, falling down, getting drunk ('fun drunk', not let's-get-a-midget-and-cut-it drunk), or swimming they're usually the funniest kids in the room.  And they can also do pretty good impression of famous fat people too.  The next time you don't think there's anything enjoyable about having a tubby kid, get him to do Farley's motivation speaker or Belushi's samurai.  You'll think twice about putting that kid on Atkins, and you should. 

I will say that guys seems to have a better go of it when it comes to having more-of-you-ness then girls do, but I also know that some dudes prefer larger ladies.  They're afraid they'll snap the smaller girls.  Fetishes aren't all unhealthy, unless they involve cutting, choking, punching, or doing any of those to an unsuspecting Russell Crowe.  And chubby girls usually have the best personality, developed over years through an intense need to be accepted.  See, beautiful women are nice to look at but they're rarely much to talk to and rarely funny.  Once her body goes, she has nothing left to offer unless she can make sandwiches. 

There's also the argument that having too much more-of-you-ness can decrease one's life expectancy.  You want to know something?  Life is overrated.  It goes too fast, ends too soon, and doesn't give any answers.  You may as well enjoy it while you have it, and if that involves inhaling whoppers, monster thick burgers, big macs, and nacho supremes like a diver coming up for air, so be it.  Just make sure to balance it out with a Diet Coke.  You don't want to over do it.

Continue looking at more pics of fat kids:
Fat Arab Kid, Fat Chinese kid, Fat kid flexing, Fat kid eating McDonald's, Fat kid making face.

Let's get one thing straight, America.  Robert Mugabe is a terrific leader.  He has to be.  He won his re-election campaign with over 80 percent of the vote.  This is truly amazing considering he actually lost the presidential election held earlier, but not by enough to stop a run-off vote.  Where's the man that beat him, you ask?  He left Zimbabwe.  Does that sound like a guy you can trust?

And what's more, Robert has now said he is open to talk with the very same opposition he has brutally repressed for weeks, showing remarkable kindness.  I know some look at his crackdown and violent killing of his opponent's supporters as anti-democratic, savage, and just plain rude; but that's not taking all things into consideration.  Mugabe is 84 years old, and old people get cranky.  You ever see them get the wrong meal at a restaurant?  If you haven't, trust me: There Will Be Blood. 

Another complaint over the election was that citizens were forced to participate in the election with threats of violence and intimidation.  This can easily be explained by Mugabe wanting to appear as still being "hip" and "with it".  So, in that vein he decided to co-opt P. Diddy's Vote or Die strategy.  Except in this case, Mugabe was gracious enough to rid the voters with the burden of choice.  Although I understand they also had the option of writing in Mugabe's name instead of checking it.  Also, for the sake of this election, Mugabe was also listed under "other".

The United States, the European Union, and pretty much everyone except Mugabe sees this election as a sham, which is a sad state of affairs for the world.  He clearly cares an awful lot for his country if he's willing to kill his own citizens to remind them of that very fact.  Not many leaders are willing to go that far (Me, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Hitler; I've heard rumors about Nelson Mandella, from Stalin.)

One could also look at his track record of taking a once promising country and turning it into a failed state (the Corey Haim of Africa. The Congo is Gary Busey.) as reason enough to think he won't be a good leader anymore, but that just means he has more work to do.  And as a source for much of his country's problems, he would know better than anybody how to fix them.  After all, he has ruled Zimbabwe since their independence from Britain in 1980.  He was actually given a knighthood from the Queen of England, before she took it away from him a few days ago.  Bitch.  What does she know about leadership?  How many of her own subjects did she have to kill to stay in power?  15? 16?
I don't even think she's completely with it anymore, is she?  What is she, like 200 years old?  She could have baby-sat John McCain.

Fortunately the UN was kind enough to not do anything substantial about this election, recognizing the immense popularity Mugabe has with people held at gunpoint.  Maybe they're thinking they can ride it out until he dies of old age, or wait for him to leave the country to his brother Raoul Mugabe.  Either way, the people of Zimbabwe have gotten their forced wish of another term under Robert.  As a fellow winner of near unanimous elections in my home country, I wish him the best of luck in the years to come.  One piece of advice, though, Bobby.  Stay the fuck out of Kuwait.  Peace.